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Wednesday, July 27, 2005

What the hell is up with Jack Thompson? This guy is a grade-A douche, the kind of douche you'd expect in posh french lavatories but not here in the good ol' US of A. He's the lawyer who has decided to take on the video game industry for the good of our families and moral values/for publicity and a bigger paycheck. Maybe you've read something about the new Grand Theft Auto and a "hot coffee" hack that's gotten some important people up in arms. Basically the developers of Grand Theft Auto:San Andreas created a sex minigame that never made it into the final product, but for some reason was left in the code of copies sent to retail. Your in-game girlfriend, after you've put in a bunch of time going on dates and what not, asks the player to come inside for some hot coffee, and then you proceed to press left and right for a few minutes while being told that nice guys finish last. Someone found a way to access it on the PC with a bunch of hacks and codes, and it brought forth hellfire and brimstone from Jack Thompson and Hillary Clinton. Kids are having virtual sex with a murder simulator! We must protect America from this polygonal black anti-hero plowing his girlfriend!

If anyone has ever played/watched Grand Theft Auto (as I'm sure almost all of the politicians and lawyers freaking out have not), it should be fairly obvious that the game is not intended for children. It's unashamedly violent and full of cussing, rapping and cop killing. In fact it's rated M for mature (17+), the gaming equivalent of rated R, and it says so clearly on every box and every commercial. So why should this little easter egg (which requires manually rewriting developer's code to unlock and doesn't even look like fun anyway) turn into a national news story, a six-figure fine for Rockstar games, political fodder for presidential hopefuls, a soapbox for conservative lawyers and now a federal investigation? Is American culture so uptight about sex that games like Manhunt and Postal come and go but throw a bit of sauciness into a bestseller and we decide to lose our collective bowels? Not that the answer is to take on every violent or unnecessary media that is released, people just need to realize that there is a big market for adult-oriented gaming, and you can't just go around trying to ban everything that isn't suitable for kids. Hell any 5-year old can go on a computer and in seconds see some real life boobs and dicks if they really wanted to. The only issue I can see is that Rockstar wasn't completely honest with the ESRB (the ratings board) with the content of the game, and they acted pretty arrogant about the mod once it became public knowledge. As a result GTA:San Andreas is being rerated Ao (Adults only, 18+), it's being pulled from stores nationwide until a "clean" version is released, and a federal investigation of Rockstar, Take-Two publishing, the ESRB and most likely the entire gaming industry is forthcoming. Our taxes are paying for this bullshit.

But I'm getting off topic, I wanted to talk about Jack Thompson the ass-hat. This guy decides, hey this video game angle seems like the way to go! So he's making it his personal crusade (possibly in the name of Christ?) to take on the entire gaming industry so he can censor, ban and publicly outcry himself to attorney celebrity. His next target is the relaxing and popular life simulator known as The Sims 2. Did I say relaxing and popular life simulator? I meant sadistic playground for child molestors. Did you know that there are user-created programs out there that will remove the blurries over your Sims' genitalia? To quote Mr. Thompson, "much to the delight, one can be sure, of pedophiles around the globe who can rehearse, in virtual reality, for their abuse." That's right, according to Jack the point of The Sims is to cackle gleefully/masturbate furiously as you command naked Grandpa to tickle and dance with naked Kid Johnny. He wants the game banned or rated for Adults, I really don't know what he wants. But he made up a press release about it and it ticked me off so much I decided to write this overlong essay about the whole ordeal. This is for Mr. Thompson, Mrs. Clinton, Mr. Santorum and other would-be censors of controversial entertainment:

please be sure to visit stopkill.com, Jack Thompson's red white and blue website, in case you too have been hurt by video games and need a lawyer.

(For the record, violence in games doesn't exactly equal mature gaming. Most games that are "controversial" are really just pandering to hyper masculinity and exxtreme badditudes that publishers think older gamers are looking for. GTA and Resident Evil may be fun but alot of the crap out there targeted for adults is insulting and a step back for the industry if it wants to be accepted as a legitimate art form like movies or music. I'd choose a well made Paper Mario or Animal Crossing over the new adult-oriented flavor of the month anytime.)
posted by Dan, 4:02 PM


commented by Anonymous Anonymous, 8:53 AM  
only when you play it, you crazy fuck. those animals still ask me what happened to you, and that chicken is still wearing your damn swastika
commented by Blogger Dan, 1:48 PM  

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